Today, I’ve been clean for 13 years. If you had asked me 13 years ago if I’d still be clean this long, I’d have probably answered “I fucking hope so” because I felt like absolute shit.
When I say to you that detox hurt, I mean that shit fucking hurt bad. I had a headache, muscle aches, my joints hurt, my throat was constricted & my gag reflex kicked in at the thought of food, I had the shakes, even my fucking hair hurt. And it lasted for a week. I don’t know how I made it through it, other than desperation & fear.
I never want to detox again.
While a lot of people look at me and tell me how awesome it is that I’ve been clean for 13 whole years (and I don’t disagree), I also know that it ultimately just feels like another day clean. For an addict like me, any day clean is a miracle.
I’m not trying to discount my clean time, or downplay the significance. Clean time speaks for itself. However, I also cannot ever forget that, in the end, all I have is today. That applies to anything and everything in life: yesterday is gone and it’s never coming back, tomorrow isn’t here yet and never will be (because there’s ALWAYS tomorrow), and right here right now is all any of us really have. I need to stay focused on this moment, this place, this person I’m spending this moment with, this thing I’m doing (whatever thing that may be at any given moment)…
…because when I get caught up in hating myself for yesterday, or worrying about tomorrow, I fall down all sorts of scary rabbit holes in my head. When I am not focused on what’s going on RIGHT NOW, I’m robbing myself of the joy of living. That’s why I say that today, on the cusp of beginning my 14th year clean, it just feels like another day clean.
Today, I am just grateful that I woke up without a desire to use or a craving for a fix. We’re going to ignore my need for my morning coffee, because that’s just part of being human. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
Today, I’m grateful that I have a life that’s worth living. I’m grateful for the program (the 12 steps), I’m grateful for the fellowship (the people in the 12 step meetings), I’m grateful for my family (who still love me and kind of sort of still claim me 😉), I’m grateful for my husband, I’m grateful for my sponsor, I’m grateful for my earthling (non addict) friends, and I’m grateful for each of you. I could go on and on listing what I’m grateful for, because there’s so much of it available to me.
So, to each of you, I say thank you for being part of my recovery. Thank you for being part of my journey into simple, intentional living. Thank you for being there to laugh
at me with me, to cry with me, to listen when I scream into the void. Thank you for reading my drivel; for all the kind words and support you give me; and for sharing your experience, strength, and hope with me through your blogs (whether they’re related to recovery, homesteading, tea, writing, life in the big city, life as an expat, and all of the other things you wonderful people write about). Each of you helps me feel connected to the world at large, and to human beings; without connections I am doomed to a life of misery.
Tonight, I shall make a meeting, because I need it just as desperately today as I did 13 years ago. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Right?