So yesterday was my appointment with the orthopedic doctor that specializes in shoulders. I went in there nervous/anxious/expecting the worst. I walked out so grateful that I rushed across town to a 12 step meeting.
The doc said my x-rays looked pretty good. He also stated that an MRI would likely reveal a torn or partially torn rotator cuff. However, his first treatment recommendation was injections + physical therapy. When he heard my concerns about steroids as a recovering addict who deals with anxiety, he said we’d start with PT and add injections if needed. He said surgery was the third option, if none of the other stuff helped enough.
He also listened to my concerns about post-operative pain medication. He told me that if surgery became necessary, he regretted to inform me that it was a surgery that would definitely require post-operative pain meds. I told him I’d made it through such an occurrence before (more than twice), so if surgery became necessary then I’d deal with it with my sponsor’s help.
As I said, I was so fucking grateful that I raced across town to a 12 step meeting. Of course, my mind was still racing with all of the “what if?” and “maybe” shit that I actually needed that meeting. See, there was someone in there for his very first 12 step meeting ever; so the topic was the surrender involved in the first step. Which pissed me off at those people LOL. See, I didn’t want to be reminded that I was powerless over all of the possible outcomes and only able to change my reaction to my situation. And I told that roomful of people that I didn’t like them for making the topic about surrender. (I’ve been to that meeting enough that they knew I intended to make them laugh with that one.) In spite of not liking them for it, I was so very grateful for it. Talking about first step surrender was exactly what I needed. It reminded me that there was a way through all of the turmoil in my head, a way that had already proven effective in my very own life.
So today, I sit here grateful as fuck for the reminder that there’s a way through this and I don’t have to travel it alone. I can quit freaking out over all of the “what if?” and start freaking out over shit I can control. Shit like: WHY THE FUCK DOES MY FUCKING PHONE KEEP CHANGING SHIT TO SHOT AND FUCK TO DUCK? You know, the ducking important shot in life.