Much like I’m obsessed with the idea of spoons (for so very many reasons), I’m also a bit obsessed with the idea of Iris. A brief interaction with Robin on yesterday’s post pushed me over the edge; something that’s been rolling around in my head for the last few days has to come out. right. now.
Back in the 90s, The GooGoo Dolls released a song called “Iris” that still haunts me today. It was written for the “City of Angels” movie.
The first time I ever heard the song, I was in the living room, doing some house cleaning or some shit. This was back in the days when you could still get your hands on rack stereo systems, and we had a good one. The song came on the radio, and I didn’t pay much attention until I heard the line “yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive”.
That line punched me in the gut, and I remember what everything looked like and felt like and smelled like and sounded like as I struggled to remember how to breathe again. The way the light streamed in thru the glass sliding doors. The beige carpet. The stone veneer on the fireplace. The mountain of serious electronic ridiculousness that was our entertainment center. The view of the kitchen as my head snapped up when I heard that line. The feeling of being weightless, breathless, and disconnected from myself and so lost in the moment…
For me, “Iris” is about life. About letting another person inside the walls I’ve erected around the deepest darkest corners of my soul, and letting that someone know exactly who I really am.
It’s also about having no regrets. Its about how, given the chance to do it all over again, I would go through all the hell I’ve been through just to have the moments I’ve had that took my breath away, the moments that I felt most secure, the moments I felt most loved, the moments that made me feel most alive.
Yes, the choices I made wound me up in 12 step fellowships, a couple of stays in institutions, even a few stays in the gated community as a guest of the state. None of those things were fun. I’d still go through it because that’s exactly what it took for me to become who I am. Without the legal problems stemming from addiction, I would never have wound up in the same 12 step meeting as Sunshine; it took what it took to land me right where I am.
I love Irises. I love the beauty of them. I love the symbolism they hold for me.
Lately, there’s another layer to the Iris thing.
She is amazing, isn’t she? She does what she wants. She wears what she feels like wearing.
Iris has zero fucks to give if you don’t like her outfit or her life choices.
Iris kicks ass.
Iris calls it like she sees it.
Iris lives life out loud.
I need to be more like Iris. I need to quit being such an introverted bundle of anxiety ridden depression and hormonal rage. I need to get out of the house more often, interact with people, run through the field with the dog, go to museums and festivals with Sunshine, dance in the rain, and any other number of things that can take my breath away.
I’ll he spending the next week in soul searching and meditation, coming up with some specifics to help the job placement specialist find me a job I’ll really love. I’m going to dig deep and figure out what job would be something I enjoy so much that I’d do it for free; then I’m going to pray vocational rehab helps me get a job that pays me to do something I love.
I know I love structure, a set routine with few changes. We’re all pavlov’s dogs, after all. However, I want that routine to be structured around something creative. My dream job would be a clothing boutique, helping women create outfits that make them feel good about themselves. Hopefully, the placement specialist can help me find something close to that, or maybe take me in a direction equally satisfying to my creative side.
So thank you, Robin, for asking the question that led to all this drool inducing drivel that really boils down to me wanting to work with clothes and shoes (or something else creative), and not in an impersonal environment; I want to help individuals pick just the right thing for themselves.
And now, I’ll leave you with some inspirational words of wisdom from Iris: