step 1: surrender

When I first got clean, I had to thoroughly surrender to the idea that I was an addict and my life had become unmanageable. By the time I found my way to the rooms of 12-step fellowships, that unmanageability had become very apparent. My life had become painful, and I would have done anything to stop that pain.

Getting clean and working steps doesn’t mean I become perfect and my life is manageable each and every day. I’m still ratfuck crazy and don’t know when to stop–anything.

These last couple of weeks, I’ve been rather busy with some very physical labor. I’ve been feeling my body tell me to stop before I regretted overdoing it. I didn’t listen. Because people like me (addicts and alcoholics) don’t know when to stop.

Here I am tonight, unable to move from my position (flat on the couch) without serious pain. Pain so bad I cry. Pain so bad it’s affecting my daily routine. Because I wouldn’t stop.

So tonight, I’m having to surrender. My life has become unmanageable. Time to spend some quality time with my couch and try not to make it worse between now and Monday when I’m carrying my ass to a doctor. As much as I don’t want any steroids or pain meds, the pain of staying the same far outweighs the fear of medicines that alter my state of mind or cause insomnia.

Now, I’m going to go make out with my couch and binge watch “Supernatural” on Netflix.

2 thoughts on “step 1: surrender

  1. Thank you, Patricia. I’m doing as little as possible, even if it means my floor grosses me out and the laundry basket overflows. OK, so I lied about the laundry, but the floor really is kind of gross


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