How did this become my life?

I have been sore and stiff in some strange places since we planted the garden this week. My butt muscles hurt, all the way down into the backs of my thighs almost halfway to my knees. As if that weren’t enough on its own, my arms are a little bit sore from the dumbbells. However, all of that kind of pales in comparison to last night’s total clusterfuck.

I had been at work all day at the produce stand. Of course, the boss called me in because he hadn’t done a proper cleaning in fuck-knows-how-long and he needed help. I don’t mind, really; it means that there’s something to do when I’m not helping somebody pick out some nice tomatoes or whatever. I spent most of the morning trying to get the walk-in cooler cleaned out so that all of the new fruits and vegetables could fit in there. After that was finished, I spent most of the afternoon attempting to clean the actual displays and get them stocked. Once that was done, I spent some time cleaning the areas that nobody sees but us grunts who work there.

When I left at 6, I was tired. When I got home at 7, I realized that I had lost my house key. Which has happened before, so I tried the same thing that worked for me in the past. I stuck my head, shoulder, and one arm through the doggie door and used a stick to try and turn the deadbolt so I could get int he house.


Because there are steps just inside the door, this wasn’t easy. Because the door is borked, it was impossible. See, since we got the bus leveled after our arrival here, the door hasn’t worked quite right. You have to lean into the door and push it hard against the frame to get the door to lock or unlock. Sunshine has been watching me struggle with this for months; he’s watched me bruise my hip, fall off of the steps, and strain the muscles in my forearms trying to lock or unlock the door. The stick that had worked for me in the past wasn’t working for me now, because I couldn’t use the dead weight of my body to push against the door while I was turning the deadbolt. I did wind up with both eyes full of dirt and shit, which was oodles of fun.

So I climbed up on one of the foam blocks and pried open my kitchen window, hoping I could reach the deadbolt from there, but I couldn’t even fit my fat head through there so I just left a pile of rings and shit on the counter.

By this point I’m on the phone with Sunshine, who is suggesting I try the driver’s door. It was unlocked, but the safety lock was engaged at the top so that was a no-go. He told me to pry that window open and get in that way. Yeah. The damned windows were latched, and the foam block I was attempting to stand on was rocking like a mechanical bull (which was a great core workout FYI and borked up my back a little).

I gave up hope of getting any more advice from Sunshine when he asked me if I had talked to Mr B. Now, don’t get me wrong, Mr B is smart, and he can come up with some solutions to some problems. But since Mr B wasn’t on the property (actually, nobody was, except me) then the chances of Mr B being able to help me find a solution were pretty slim.

I finally decided to pry open the one window that was big enough for me to fit through that I could actually access fairly easily.



The one behind the tv. I’m lucky that, for whatever reason, it wasn’t locked. I think my logic in failing to lock that window was that any thief is going to want the TV they won’t knock it down and break it, right? I got the window open, but couldn’t move the entertainment center the TV sits on in order to give myself room to come through. I also couldn’t quite get my foot up to the window, and didn’t have enough upper body or core strength that late in the day to actually make it through the window if I did get the tv moved.


I finally went and grabbed a bucket and stacked it on top of the foam. That didn’t quite get me high enough in the air to get through the window, so I went and found a tree stump to put on top of the bucket to get me close enough that I could get in the window.


I managed to move the TV (no small feat, since that fucker is a beast), and I managed not to break anything in the process. Then I managed to get my feet through the window but my ass was too big and my hips were too wide and I wasn’t going anywhere without pushing some expensive electronics off the entertainment cabinet. I managed to get turned on my side and slide through, at which point I got a nice quick reminder that there is no floor where I had planned to land. Remember those steps that prevented full access to the deadbolt with the stick? Yeah, I forgot about those just that quick.


In total, I managed to strain the muscles and tendons in my left ankle, my left shoulder, my back, and those already screaming butt muscles. And I still have dirt in my eyes this morning.

I also probably need to text the boss and have him keep an eye out for a housekey on a deer antler keychain.

final note: today, my ass is spending some quality time with my couch, netflix, the moken troll, and Mollie. Because Mollie is hella smart, y’all.



2 thoughts on “How did this become my life?

  1. I think I would just stay put today! Rest those muscles! I’ve only locked myself out once. Every point of entry was locked down tight. After leaving my keys at the heart hospital on my hubby’s sidetable. I went to Home Depot. Bought a new door lock set and then went home and broke in through smashing the doorknob to bits. Then I got my tool kit and put on the new knobs and lock. Not my sanest moment, but I was so pissed! lol

    Liked by 1 person

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