I’m tired

I’ve been helping the neighbor with the estate sale. It isn’t very physically demanding, yet I am tired just the same. It is all day, every day, PLUS my usual homestead and household chores. It is draining in the extreme. This is the reality of living with a chronic condition. It sucks. It is what it is. Welcome to my world.

The weather finally shifted. We have been in the 90s, in October, for fuck’s sake. Heat exhausts most people; it especially exhausts someone who struggles to breathe properly in heat and humidity. I’m sure this has played a part in my growing exhaustion. We have finally had a cold front move through, and temperatures are only reaching the 80s this coming week (or so they say). I’m looking forward to being able to step outside without having the heat suck all of the air from my lungs and crushing my shoulders with it’s moist weight. I think the change in weather is the only reason I haven’t given up completely and glued myself to the couch.

A lot of basic chores around the homestead (such as it is) have been getting ignored this week. Sunshine’s back is borked from the giant misadventure last weekend with the foam preceded by a week of actual brick mason style labor, so he hasn’t been able to do all the things. I have been helping my neighbor, so I’ve had time and energy for only the most basic of tasks. Actually, I haven’t even had that much energy. I’ve been borrowing spoons from the future to get things done.

I wish that I could say “after this sale is over Sunday, THEN I can rest”. That is not my destiny. Monday, Sunshine and I start that shower job. Sunshine will pay me to help him, since he knows that I know enough to be an asset to him. (We did set the tile in the solarium, after all.) Sadly, most of that pay will just go toward bills and credit card debt instead of some new shoes or luxe yarn or a really groovy tunic/top/sweater.

It’s a lather rinse repeat couple of weeks. It’s the kind of thing that happens to all of us from time to time. It seems to happen more often to those of us with chronic illnesses. This is our lot in life. It’s times like these that I’m grateful for 12 step recovery. 12 step recovery has given me a new perspective on life; it has taught me how to live.

I don’t live in the 12 steps perfectly, which is OK as long as I don’t use and don’t say or do anything I’ll have to make amends for later. Some days, that’s as spiritual as I can be. Some days I use up all of my psychic energy just trying to get through a day without falling apart; that’s OK as long as I don’t use and don’t say or do anything I’ll have to make amends for later. It’s OK to conserve spoons in that area to spend them on physical health.

I’m hoping that I don’t borrow so many spoons from the future that it takes me weeks to feel like my usual self again. I could sit here and bemoan the loss of my ability to recover after only a couple of days, or I could sit here and gleefully think up things to do while I am physically recovering from a marathon couple of weeks. I think I’ll gleefully think up things to crochet and things to color while I am recovering since those are things that make me smile. Sometimes, that’s enough to help me keep going.

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