Not my problem

Since I found recovery from addiction, I’ve learned a lot about NMP (Not My Problem). Before I got clean, I felt like I had to “fix” people and situations. In recovery, I’ve learned that the only thing I can “fix” is me, and I can’t even do that alone.

So when Mr B and I were watering the garden this morning, and we got to talking about how much we needed some help doing things out here because I was getting tired, Mr B gave me the “talk” that he gave Sunshine recently. He told me that I didn’t have to do more stuffs out here: I didn’t have to cut the grass, or work on projects on the lists on the kitchen wall in the pink house, and so on and so forth.

Basically, he was telling me that the stuffs on those lists were not my problem.

Well, if they’re not my problem, then what the fuck are they? Nobody’s problem? Because there damn sure isn’t anybody else out here doing these things, which means that none of these things on any of these lists are getting done.

I can’t not cut the grass. I can’t not maintain the sloped earthen mound around the storm shelter. I can’t not tend the chickens. I can’t not start dealing with the jungle on the fence-line.

If Sunshine and I don’t cut the grass, the entire property will become overgrown. That is a simple fact. Nobody else is cutting the grass, and the fucking grass has to be fucking cut. If we don’t cut the grass, the wilderness begins encroaching on the areas that have been mapped out for human habitation and gardening and such. Once the wilderness creeps in, the predators creep in, the bugs become more of a problem, etcetera etcetera ad nauseum.

If nobody maintains the sloped earthen mound around the storm shelter, there goes our option to survive tornado season. That is a very simple truth that my anxiety ridden ass cannot deny or avoid. If Sunshine and I don’t maintain the sloped earthen mound around the storm shelter, then Sunshine and I will die come tornado season.

side note: that’s not hyperbole. We are entirely too close to the Oklahoma state line (and by extension, Moore Oklahoma) to be playing around with the integrity of the fucking storm shelter.

If Sunshine and I don’t tend the chickens, then we don’t have a future source of eggs and potentially meat. That is a simple fact. If we don’t keep chickens for the eggs (and maybe even the meat), then we have to pay for eggs and meat, which kind of defeats the purpose of transitioning to a homesteading type of lifestyle that enables us to work less for someone else and work more towards our own self-sufficiency.

If we don’t start truly dealing with the jungle on the fence-line, then the rickety fence will become even more rickety, thus cancelling out all the work that Sunshine put into fixing the fucking fence in the first place. It also doesn’t clear the way for us to go to our buddy’s house and transplant some of his blackberry bushes to our fence-line for their ability to provide us with fruit.

I appreciate the sentiment behind Mr B’s “talk”. I just don’t understand it.

If it’s not my problem, then what? I’m just supposed to sit here and live in an encroaching forest with no sources of food and go to work to pay for the shit that we moved here to not have to pay for?

If it’s not my problem, whose problem is it? If I don’t do it, who is going to do it? I don’t see anybody else out here working to build a community (with the exception of Mr B when he has time to get out here while he works to transition out of his old life as a serial entrepreneur). I still have to do my part to be as self-sufficient as I can without having to depend on someone else to support me. I still have to work for somebody else to buy my food and shit.

If it’s not my problem, then what am I supposed to be doing?

final note: today, I am tired as hell. I spent most of yesterday on the road, driving round trip to my sponsor’s house for some quality time with my recovery sisters. I think that, just for today, I’m going to do something I enjoy. Like watch netflix while I crochet or color.

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