DIY upholstery

Sunshine started bitching the other night, pounding away on the backrest cushions from the couch.

Part of me wanted to bitch at HIM, but that’s generally pretty counterproductive, so I just told him I’d fix them if he would take me to the big box craft store in the nearest decent-sized town.

I looked around at my options at this craft store, and finally settled on a five pound box of poly fiberfill. It was the most cost effective option, really. It was also made of recycled polyester material, so I win bonus points (or something).

Here is the box, with Mollie and my size 7.5 shoe for comparison.

I was very afraid to open this box, because as big as the box was, I knew that this fiberfill had to be greatly condensed to fit in there. For fucks’ sake, it says right on the label that

you can MAKE

AT LEAST 25 six inch stuffed toys

AT LEAST 5 fifteen inch stuffed toys

AT LEAST five eighteen inch pillows

AT LEAST one medium petted

AT LEAST one 30″ floor pillow

AT LEAST one pouf

And last, but certainly not least

AT LEAST forty square feet of snow or cloud scapes.

That’s a lot of fucking fiberfill.

I emailed my crafting partner in crime that she better pray that this fiberfill didn’t expand so much that it devoured me, Mollie, and most of the magic bus when I sliced open the inner bag that contained the FIVE POUNDS OF FIBERFILL in this little tiny box.

Well, my fears were grounded in reality.

expanding fiberfill

This is a pic taken a few seconds after I slit open the bag. In just a few seconds, the bag had swollen to twice the size it was in the box. That bag of fiberfill between my knees is sitting flat on the floor of the magic bus, I am sitting on the couch that sits on the raised slideout portion of the living room. The bag that is sitting on the floor a couple of inches lower than the floor on which the couch rests has swollen so tall that it was now as high as my waist in this picture. And this was after only a few seconds of expansion.

side note: Why was Sunshine bitching about the cushions? Because they were lumpy. Why were they lumpy? Because Sunshine treats the couch (in combination with the coffee table) as if it were a chaise lounge or hospital bed or some shit. He slides his ass toward the front edge of the couch which slides the ass cushion forward so far that the backrest cushions slide in the gap but don’t tell him I said that because according to Sunshine the fucking ass cushion just slides out all by itself, Sunshine props his feet up on the coffee table, and then he wallows his neck head and shoulders on the backrest cushion that has been smooshed into the gap behind the ass cushion causing all of the stuffings to compress into lumps.

compressed stuffings

Photograhic proof

So there I sat, with lumpy old stuffings all over the place and an ever expanding bag of new stuffings. Mollie ran for her life and hid on the bed, which makes her much smarter than her mummie.

I took advantage of the mess of stuffings that were taking over the living room and had a talk with Sunshine about how he couldn’t continue using the couch (in combination with the coffee table) as a chaise lounge or hospital bed or whatever it was he was doing to make the ass cushions slide forward and the backrest cushions compress into the gap behind the ass cushions. This was when I was informed that the ass cushions just slide forward of their own volition with no help from Sunshine.

side note: I’m guessing that those ass cushions slide forward of their own volition just exactly like my car drove forward in the garage and pushed a bicycle through the wall all by itself with no help from me and my sister, but whatthefuckever, Sunshine. You tell yourself whatever you have to tell yourself to feel better about borking up the couch cushions. It didn’t work for me with the car/bicycle/garage wall incident, but maybe it’ll work for you now.

I finally got the cushions restuffed and good as new.

Now all I’ve got left to do is figure out where in the hell I’m going to store the remaining new fiberfill stuffings, which is STILL bigger than the box the original five pounds of that shit came in.

final note: simple living ain’t always easy. This project was a pain in the ass, but we can’t afford a new couch just because Sunshine insists on borking up the cushions and then telling the world that the cushions are borking themselves of their own volition with no help from Sunshine. That also isn’t very environmentally friendly, and is is entirely too consumerist for my taste. We also can’t afford to pay a professional upholsterer to restuff these borked up couch cushions with smooshproof memory foam, so here I am trying to figure out where to hide the leftover fiberfill (and dreading taking the vacuum and chasing the errant bits of stuffings around the house).


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