I realized recently that, for the next four months, Sunshine is kind of a spoonie. This treatment is kicking his ass; chronic fatigue and the occasional bout of queasiness. He only has so many spoons to get through each day.
Last night, he was talking to me about how it sucks being so tired all the time; he feels like he should be doing more. He talked about how much he used to be able to do.
side note: let’s just not have the discussion about how we used to be superhumans when we were in our twenties and hopped up on artificial stimulation and shit. Hell, I think even the non-addicts used to be superhuman in their twenties. The hubris of the young, and all that jazz.
I told Sunshine that sometimes, I had to focus on what I WAS able to do rather than what I didn’t get done. When I look at it that way, I realize how much I was actually able to accomplish in spite of feeling like hammered shit.
Just this week alone, Sunshine and I have tiled and grouted a sun room, helped Mr. B move some furniture into the pink house, cleaned a lot of tools and junks out of the yard, and dealt with a lot of phone calling and paper-working. I’ve also dealt with the usual housework, grocery shopping, and etcetera while Sunshine has handled some other tasks around the compound. And let’s not forget that Sunshine gave our raccoon invader a good reason to never come back and eat my little kitties’ food again. Somewhere in the last week, Sunshine even managed to go hunting for a wild pig, had starter trouble with his jeep, and had to be rescued by none other than yours truly (in the middle of the night after I had already taken my night-night meds). I’ve even managed to crochet some more items to hopefully take soon to the local shop that would like to take some on consignment.
So all in all, we haven’t done bad this week for two people who feel like hammered shit and are living through a heat wave.
I never expected to be giving Sunshine spoonie advice. I don’t know how to put into words any advice that explains how I get through my days, so I turned to my dear friend and asked her for some tips to share.
She told me that in addition to prioritizing tasks and looking at how many she actually got done instead of the ones she didn’t, she also makes “done” lists at the end of each day in place of “to-do” lists each morning.
However, she highlighted the most important one, and one that I didn’t even think to list. She said that sometimes, she just has to take a day for herself. She gives herself permission to just take it easy for the day, and binge watch shit and eat whatever she craves. My friend is very wise.
Right now, whether Sunshine wants to admit it or not, his job is to get through this treatment. His job is to take care of himself. His job is to get better. For somebody who has worked in a physically demanding field for the last 40 years, that has to be hard to wrap his mind around. Shit, I have trouble wrapping my mind around it some days, in spite of the fact that it applies to me too.
I never imagined that spoonie tips would be one of the things Sunshine and I shared.
Life takes us to some unexpected places. I guess I need to learn to sit back and enjoy the journey.