Doing the best I can

I’m feeling like hammered shit a lot these days. This heat and humidity we’ve been experiencing is taking a serious toll on me via my COPD. The muscle weakness and fatigue is brutal and it’s wearing on me emotionally.

The grass needs to be cut again already, and I just cannot do it in this heat. At least Sunshine is home and can ride the lawnmower while I do the weedeating–IF it ever cools off enough to get it done. I’m starting to think that maybe the answer is to get up at some stupid hour of the morning well before the sun rises and set up some work lights to get the weedeating done. I’m pretty sure the coyotes and shit won’t come near with all that racket going on, and I won’t be at risk of dying from heatstroke.

I’ve been fighting the urge to just crumple up and cry because it would be so counterproductive. There’s so much to do that I can’t waste what little energy I have on crying.

So I’m doing the best I can. I’m prioritizing like a motherfucker.

The garden? Will have to wait. It’s too late in the year to get anything to grow right now, so we will just try and do a fall garden. I think we have multiple options of things to plant if we just wait. Tackling any more DIY/home improvement projects on the pink house? Is going to have to wait. We can barely keep up with what has to be done to the magic bus right now. We just solved the air-conditioner condensation problem in the bedroom; now, maybe we can move on to the water leak under the kitchen cabinets.  We still need another shade sail strung up to cover the front door of the magic bus–we’re taking a beating from the midday sun and could use the protection from the rain as we bring groceries and shit into the house.

With Sunshine’s medical issues, I’m really trying not to nag about the things that desperately need to be done. Hell, I’m dealing with very similar ones myself right now, with the general fatigue and muscle weakness kicking both our asses even if they stem from very different root causes.

The biggest things that keep me hanging in there right now are my mom and the hope that in  four months (when Sunshine’s treatments are scheduled to end) I can just collapse for a week or three. I keep thinking back to how my mom just kept going through all the years my dad was sick. It gives me the strength to put one foot in front of the other and do the next thing in front of me. No, mom wasn’t dealing with chronic illness then, but she is now and she has learned to pace herself and prioritize, so I can apply the lessons I’ve learned from watching my mom throughout her life to what I’m going through now. I just have to make it four or so more months. Then, hopefully Sunshine will be feeling better and I can just heal myself for a while.

Ultimately, I realize that I’m dealing with a lot of #firstworldproblems. I’m just grateful that there are some #firstworldsolutions that can maybe help me get through this. I’ve done some research on anemia and COPD (I’ve always been anemic, the COPD is a result of smoking and exacerbates the anemia). There are some supplements I can take to help with the hypoxemia and fatigue, and that is a problem that money can solve.

side note: Sunshine has taught me to like having problems that money can solve, because there’s always a way to come up with some money. It’s the problems that money can’t solve that we don’t want to have.

So, today, I am doing the best I can. Laundry is getting done, the house is getting cleaned, and I’m working on some crochet projects to put on consignment in a couple of local shops. Hey, even if the items don’t sell out real fast, I’ve enjoyed the creative process and found a way to feel constructive even when I’m having to sit still and breathe. I’ll keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the next thing in front of me, and I’ll keep holding on to the hope that Sunshine will be feeling much better in four or five months.

Until then, I’ve got shit to go try and get done.

final note: My weekly progress reports may start to seem like I’m not reporting much progress for a while, but I’m ok with that. Things are so rough right now that I’m going to have to celebrate the small victories, because when I feel this shitty even the small victories are major.

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