So in recovery, I’ve learned that sometimes I just have to go with the flow and trust that the river knows where it’s going. I can’t be worried about the future because that’s just paying interest, wasted energy, whatever you want to call it. In the ten years since my first day clean, I’ve learned that as long as I keep doing what’s kept me clean this far and apply spiritual principles in all of my affairs, then all of my affairs seem to work out reasonably well.
However, sometimes my disease just won’t stop. I occasionally wake up in the middle of the night and can’t breathe thanks to some random thought about the future and “what if?” Sometimes I feel that heartburn feeling during the daylight hours and don’t know what is going on with me.
Mostly, I just recognize it for what it is and carry on.
This past few days have been pretty rough, filled with a general feeling of dread and I can’t define the cause. I call bullshit.
It started when we were getting ready to head back here from our nice, quiet new year’s weekend in the middle of buttfuck nowhere. I’m guessing that actually having to leave the quiet, slow, peaceful middle of buttfuck nowhere to come back to a tiny tourist trap town filled with people I don’t like and blatant consumerism is part of it.
The other part of it is probably just the fact that Sunshine’s company experienced its slowest year on record, and here we sit in the middle of winter with few reserves to draw from and no interruption in the usual stream of monthly expenditures. We also have a few unusual large expenditures coming up that are causing some financial anxiety.
However, Sunshine has already decided that he can go broke slower and more peacefully in the middle of buttfuck nowhere, and if things don’t pick up soon? We are off to a new adventure.
There’s a crushing fear associated with changing so much so fast and so soon. There’s also a sense of adventure and excitement.
The fear is unreasonable, and yet completely human. I just wish it would go away. Unfortunately, that probably isn’t going to happen, so I’m going to have to get up off my ass and do something. Ride my stationary bike, make a meeting, clean the yard, clean the house… something. anything except medicate it.
Anxiety is bullshit.